Me and Isiah Thomas have the same problems....

Well, except for the fact that there is of yet no sexual harrassment suit pending against me. And the fact that I'm not being called an idiot by every NBA writer, but that's probably just a problem of visibility. I'm sure if the media saw my star studded second to last place fantasy hoops squad, they would have a field day.

Isiah Thomas just traded for Steve Francis to compliment Stephon Marbury in one of the highest paid backcourts of all time. The problem is: these guys are the exact same player. Well, the real problem is that these guys are the same player and that this player doesn't win games.

From Minnesota to New Jersey to Phoenix to New York Stephon Marbury has never won a playoff series. On his first two tries he even had the bonus of Kevin Garnett on his team. He still couldn't win.

From Houston to Orlando Steve Francis has been in one playoff series ever and lost it (to the Lakers with the Rockets and Yao).

Starbury and Franchise? Together? Is this NBA Live? If so this team is going to be great. I think that this is still the real world though, so no dice. Who brings the ball up? How do they divvy up the shots? Both these dudes need the freedom to shoot 40 times if they feel like it.

The only explanation is that Isiah is trying to drive Larry Brown insane. It would take a miracle for this team to win 20 games this season. At a roster cost of 120 million that equates to a mere six million dollars per NBA victory. And the coach himself costs another ten million dollars a year. And then the luxury tax. If I owned the Knicks I would remove one of Isiah's eyeballs and have my way with his ocular cavity.

Las Vegas has installed the Knicks as a four point dog against the Terror Squad All Stars this summer in the Rucker league. Crack!

Holy fucking shit

I knew it. I just knew it. Did anyone see Chappelle on Inside the Actor's Studio last night? They have him on drugs. He was too controversial. I fucking knew it.

I figured out the Joey Porter riddle: he's just gay.

The big news out of a very tame Super Bowl week is that Jerramy Stevens upset Joey Porter. Jerramy Stevens had the audacity to point out that the Seahawks expect to win the game. Stevens did this in the context of taking a shot at the ridiculously overhyped story of Jerome Bettis coming home.

Aside, I must say I've enjoyed the Sports Guy's consistent ripping of Bettis as simply being a fat ass this week. He's always been big. Now he's just fat. Great stuff.

Back to the lecture at hand. Stevens calls a spade a spade and Joey Porter starts running his mouth about how Jerramy is a first round bust (true until this season, now not true), only plays special teams (not true), and doesn't make big plays (see leaping TD in NFC Championship game). Joey Porter is an n word, not to put to fine a point on it. He labeled Steven's comments as "out of hat". Excuse me, what the fuck? Does that even make sense?

Let's break down what we know about Joey Porter:

-Has a very high voice
-Went to Colorado State (Rams suck)
-Walks around in pregame with his midriff exposed like Antoine Meriwether from In Living Color
-Famously got shot in the booty after a Colorado-Colorado State game ("shot in the booty" is urban slang for getting fucked in the ass as everyone knows)

This guy is completely and totally over the top with his trash talk. It's called compensating. He stays on the offensive so know one can point out what is obvious. Dude is a disco dancing, Oscar Wilde reading, Streisand ticket holding, friend of Dorothy. The man's a cake boy. I suggest the Seahawks just fucking call it out.

Mike Holmgren: It's not hard to imagine Joey Porter saying those things. Everyone knows he's compensating for the fact that he likes men. He plays football for the tight pants and the locker room, plain and simple.

Matt Hasselbeck: Joey Porter is the toughest player on the thteelers. Please, give that guy one night with Tom Cruise and he's mellow man ace. He's scrambling for loose balls.

So then come game time Joey Porter is so furious that he commits two egregious personal fouls on the first two plays and is kicked out of the game. I would seriously like to see someone adopt this tactic. Especially on this faygo.