In which I visit small-town America

I went to my girlfriend Makaela's hometown of Dayton, WA this past weekend. When I showed up at Makaela's house after the five hour drive, I received a great welcome. That's if you consider no one being home and me being locked out in the cold because the family is out at the bars a great welcome. I had to remember that her aunt lives across the street and have the aunt break me in and then give me a ride to the bar downtown. The aunt and her boyfriend were drunk, but the town is so small that the bar was a one minute ride in the car. I think you have to drive drunk in small towns or they kick you out.

It was Makaela's mom's birthday (Happy Birthday Kris) so all the family was drunk together. Beautiful times. We went to a bar called Cracker B's where I promptly ordered a double gin and tonic and sucked it down. Then another. Then another. Then another. Now I can handle this.

Conversation I had with a young army vet recently returned from Iraq-
Me: I have some buddies who just got back from Iraq.
Him: I have some buddies who died in Iraq.
(Uncomfortable silence)

That young troop proceeded to drink until he threw up and then got in a fight. Let's hear it for our boys in blue!

Speaking of fights, we had to hustle a family member out of the bar because some young hooligan was drukenly pressing the issue of shooting coyotes on his land (not cool). I'll let you deal with that.

The bar did not have ESPN2. Quel dommage. That's all for now.

To People Not As Succesful As Joel Stein: Leave Joel Stein Alone

It's en vogue to shit on Joel Stein. The Sports Guy continuously rips him, and now the LA Weekly has run this piece detailing Stein's stellar career with his less than stellar results. The piece is entitled, "Failing Upward, a True Hollywood Story- Kinsley hires serial loser Joel Stein, despite conflicts of interest".

Here are some choice selections from the article:

"He’s the wire-rim-wearing, flop-haired smirker who looks amused by what he’s telling the camera even if the rest of us aren’t."

"Given that reasoning, what the Times should have done was hire someone really experienced in the entertainment business, not this unsuccessful wannabe."
http://www.laweekly.com/ink/04/52/deadline-finke.php

My contention? Everyone would like to have Joel Stein's jobs because he just gets to talk shit about people. Everyone thinks they're a better shit talker. Who gives a fuck if this guy has been fired from every job he's ever had? Who gives a fuck that he keeps getting better and better jobs for seemingly no reason? Isn't that the American dream? If you hate on Joel Stein, that just makes you a hater. You should feel good for him because he does what he wants and is lucky. He's an example that you can do what you want and get lucky too. Why all the sour grapes people?

Also, between Stein and Seth Coen, I have officially developed a soft spot for snarky, messy haired Jews with lisps.

Ricky Williams is the Man

There was predictable outrage among the talking heads in the NFL world when Ricky Williams decided that, at 27 years old, he didn't want to play football anymore. Everyone immediately blamed it on marijuana which he had tested positive and faced suspension for. I remember hearing holier than thou color commentators say things like, "Goes to show everything your momma told you 'bout smokin' dope was true."

People in the world of football had a hard time comprehending that someone with Ricky Williams' ability to play decided he didn't want to anymore. To this I say: Who gives a fuck? It's his business and his life!

Through weed or whatever Ricky Williams had reached a state of consciousness that said he no longer needed football to be happy. Now, months later, he has turned up at a Northern California school for holistic medicine. I read this article, from the SF Chronicle originally I believe, and found it very refreshing. Quotes please.

"I've realized, both on a psychological and physical level, that the things we do in football don't bring more harmony to your life. They just bring more disharmony,"

Williams' agent, Leigh Steinberg, and his attorney, David Cornwell, both think it's likely that he'll return to football next year. Steinberg calls Williams' departure "a sabbatical."

But Williams said, "I understand their wishful thinking. It's easy math. If I play, it puts more money in their pocket."

Although he wouldn't rule out a return to football, he indicated the game was far from his mind.

"I loved playing football, but the reasons I loved football were just to feed my ego," Williams said. "And any time you feed your ego, it's a one-way street."

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/news/archive/2004/11/22/sports2303EST0168.DTL

Of course the self styled "blue collar values" guys of the NFL couldn't get around this, but let's you and I look at what we have: A player who has tasted great success in football, found it unfulfilling, felt the reasons for his playing football were counterintuitive to his desired maturation as a human being, and then quit the fucking game. He turned down millions in the process. Big deal? No. He's had money and he wasn't happy.

Of course these are the same announcers who blow a fucking gasket whenever Joe Horn makes a cell phone call or Terrell Owens flaps his arms like a bird. (A bird I say!! At long last, have you no sense of decency?!) Wouldn't they love if TO had some of Ricky's newfound humility? Of course not and we'll get to the reason.

In summation, Ricky Williams quit football because he felt he was unhealthily feeding his ego. Announcers yelled at him. Players like TO and Joe Horn engage in hilarious look-at-me showboating when they make a play. Announcers yell at them. 1+1 = football announcers love yelling at black people. And I mean love it.

Part of the reason why I love smoking is that when I first did it, it aided in my ability to look at the big picture differently. It flipped my perspective. It flipped Ricky Williams' perspective. Hey Joe Theisman: Smoke a fucking joint you racist!! NOW! You will find that everything I said about smoking dope is true....bitch.

PS Old white men are fucking alcoholics. All of them. Except for the Jesus freaks who are worse. Hypocrites.

Sometimes I Hate Tubby

Now everyone knows that semilocal gadabout Tubby B hates the Sonics, even though they're 7-1. He still refuses to watch them until they admit they're rebuilding. What if they're not rebuilding? As I said before the season: WHAT IF THIS WORKS? Seriously. What if it works? What if these Supersonics work? Worth thinking about.

Anyway, Tubby is gung ho about rebuilding. But what does The Sports Guy have to say?

With so many teams dumping coaches, making panic trades and wasting money on shaky free agents -- it's like 80 percent of the league at this point -- the teams that keep building around the same nucleus (one bona fide star, four or five supporting stars, one coach) have an enormous competitive advantage over everyone else.

When the subject of NBA problems comes up, everyone points to poor shooting, over-reliance on three-point line, overzealous defense, high schoolers ... to me, the lack of continuity is THE biggest problem in the sport right now. None of these teams knows how to play together for more than four-minute stretches.
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/041116

Tubby wants to rip it apart and head to some unknown, and Bill Simmons extols the virtues of continuity. I will go with the Sports Guy here. The Sonics do not have absurd contracts (ex. Rashard's reasonable deal) except Danny Fortson who so far is playing well. But, we had to take on his deal to get rid of Calvin Booth who has a fucking Berkeley tattoo even though he went to Penn State. I don't care what his nickname is. That's wrong. Booth also defined stiff which is usually the exclusive territory of the white center. White Center? Don't get me started.

These Supersonics will eventually come back to earth. I still think they're doing the right thing. Regardless, it's indefensible to refuse to watch the Supes when they are winning every game and kicking the shit out of good teams. I know Tubby will talk shit when the Supes start losing. It's important to understand that this means he will be happy when the Sonics lose. Unacceptable. Tubby, I hate you and you have lost all of your Sonics cred.



Welcome back Commies!! Mother Russia has been down and out lately, but Vladimir Putin is taking things old school to bring her back.

"We have not only conducted tests of the latest nuclear rocket systems," Putin told a meeting of the Armed Forces' leadership. "I am sure that in the coming years we will deploy them. "Moreover, these will be things which do not exist and are unlikely to exist in other nuclear powers," he added.
http://sg.news.yahoo.com/041117/1/3olc5.html

Now that is leadership. And scary to boot. This is on top of Putin recently nationalizing the press. I missed you Russia.

Update This!!

I was watching Jon Stewart a couple of nights ago in a post election fog when he pointed out something that caught my attention. New York suffered directly from terrorism and has a bunch of queers - and they voted overwhelmingly for John Kerry. I had never thought about that before.

States with actual terror targets voted for Kerry. States with actual homosexuals didn't ban gay marriage. So basically the left lost because the right riled up a bunch of people around hypothetical issues that don't effect them at all. Or, as The Onion put it, "Nation's Poor Wins Election For Nation's Rich". Well, exactly.

Conceptualize This!!

So, here's the dream to be realized this weekend. For Blank This!! I would like to have a panel of famous "blanks" come in and discuss the issues of the day. I have the list of who the blanks will be but I need to download some picture software to get their photos into the blog. Glavin bitches. Here's said list:

Arthur Blank (Owner, Atlanta Falcons)
Billy Blanks (Creator, Tae-bo)
Matt Leblanc (Actor, Friends/Joey/assorted monkey baseball films)
Blanche Dubois (fictional character, Streetcar Named Desire)
Blanche Devereaux (fictional character, Golden Girls)
Blankenstein (Monster I created as I am typing this)
Blankman (Damon Wayans vehicle)

Hey, visionaries reading right now! Conceptualize this!!

Disenfranchise This!!

Seriously bro, listen up. When I moved to my new apartment I totally forgot to update the address for my absentee ballot. I know, could have happened to anyone. Last week I went to my old house to see if that shit was lying around in the mailbox, but it wasn't there. I felt like a prowler anyway digging around the front of the house without knowing if anyone was home. Fuck that shit, I'll call voter registration.

Yesterday I called up voter registration and I was expecting them to be like, "Yo, with voting comes responsibilty and you didn't update your shit. Now you want a new ballot today? Please nigga."

Instead they were like, "Don't even trip bitch. Happens all the time. Step down to 4th and James and I'll hook that up lickety splizz."

So I went down there and got my new ballot and voted. Hey George Bitchass Bush!! DISENFRANCHISE THIS!!