Face The Truth

The new Stephen Malkmus cd "Face The Truth" is out and it's good. I haven't been able to digest it fully. I'm waiting to listen to the vinyl. That's right, vinyl. I purchased this one on wax, as well as the more popular compact disc format. Oh, yeah....and I got both of them signed. I bought Pavement's "Brighten the Corners" on vinyl also. Now that I have two records it's time to get a record player. From now on I'm all about the warmth of vinyl man. Luckily J-Weidz has an extra turntable. Nice. Bring on the indie points.

What are you doing this weekend? Oh, I think I might go over to the local underground record store and see if I can fill out my collection with the fruit of its dingy aisles. I really think two thirds of the fun is in the hunting for fresh beats. I'm glad you agree. What's the prize of your collection? Mine is "Face the Truth" which I got signed by SM and two of the Jicks. I know it's sweet, yeah. Yours is pretty good too though.

Mustache update: Today at work a guy called me "Catfish". I hope the nickname sticks.

The Tony Orlando Corrolary

We are in the fucking dog days. We will be here for a long time. What qualifies as dog days to me? The Sonics are out of the playoffs. The only thing sports related to content the masses until late summer is Mariner baseball. Well some call it Mariner baseball, I call it having a blunt object bored slowly into your skull while Dave Arensberg watches merrily from his recliner. Remember when Boone was on steroids and the team was good? Ah, those were the days. There's no team I love rooting against more than the old M's. Make no mistake though, if they ever put together a playoff run I'll be right there on the bandwagon (secretly wishing they fail). Fuck baseball right in the ear.

So back to the title of this post - no it's not my new prog band. It's a theory I'm testing. It involves a simple graph. On the left vertical side of the graph (I'm sure there's a proper name for that but I won't look it up) is a unit of measurement I shall dub "Successtrons". On the bottom of the graph is level of mustache. Level of mustache means no mustache at the far left and full mustache at the far right. My theory is that as one's mustache grows and fills in, they earn corresponding higher and higher levels of Successtrons in their life. If my hypothesis is correct Successtrons should accumulate steadily in relation to your ever thickening Burt Reynolds. More simply, stache's make you healthy, wealthy, and wise - or - The Tony Orlando Corrolary. If you think Tony Orlando would have been successful sans mustache I believe you're greatly mistaken. To prove the theory I have been growing a mustache for two weeks or so. Lamentably, I'm bare in the Hitler zone so I look like a French catfish. Results so far: no measurables. I feel success right around the corner though...so maybe: Optimism +3 (glavin).

A stranger is never a stranger thanks to one Jeremy Piven...

It's a cold cold world out there folks. We've all learned that by now. Everyone in their twenties on some level is lonely and anxious. The worst part? We see each other all the time and don't interact. Next time you're out at the bar or coffee shop bored with the scene, why not try to make a new friend? After all, a stranger is never a stranger thanks to Jeremy Piven.

You know him and I know him. We all fell in love with Piven at different times. That's not gay man love, simply the appreciation of a great artist and hypothetical friend. I refer to him as "Pivs". That nickname looks awkward in print, but trust me - it rolls right off the tongue. I first met Jeremy Piven at a little college that lost its way: PCU.

PCU seemed like your average school, until you peeled away the layers to reveal a proto-anarchic student culture of people so focused on their differences they couldn't see what made them the same. I don't think Piven's character "Droz" was some insensitive anti Political Correctness warrior. That was just the role his time in school required him to play. I could easily see Droz working to foster sensitivity at a school where the students had become callous. In this instance however, the times required a uniter. More specifically, the times required a raging fucking party at the legendary Pit.

Of course a party like this couldn't just come off without a hitch. It turns out the dean had been manipulating the various factions on campus (Womynists, Cause Heads, Stoners, Vegetarians, African Americans, Gays, etc.) in an effort to drive out what she deemed insensitive elements such as the crew at the Pit. At times during this film it seemd like the gang at the Pit were the only sane people left at the school!!! Her point man in the student body was a whiny republican frat guy played by David Spade. Spade and Pivs actually roomed together during their freshman year....let's just say they didn't mesh too well together.

We all know the rest of the story. Gutter (fat Jon Favreau) strikes out on his mission to get beer for the rager but somehow manages to land GEORGE CLINTON AND PARLIAMENT FUNKADELIC as the house band! Talk about a stroke of luck! I've watched that part over and over. You just can't see it coming. Pivs raids that night's on campus alumni event for their full bar and kegs and the protest crazy student body realizes that in fact this party is just what they needed to come together.

PCU is indeed a great film but back to the point. Pivs was the ideal friend. Confident, yet caring to those around him and generally benevolent towards everyone he came in contact with. But you can't stay in school forever. At some point you have to grow up and say goodbye to PCU and JP.

Actually, no fucking way. Pivs returned as the best friend of Nicholas Cage in the criminally underrated "The Family Man". I shit you not when I tell you that this is the greatest film of all time. Cage is a high powered Wall Street type who (through an encounter with a gun waving Don Cheadle of course) is transported to an alternate reality where instead of being single and wealthy he is poor and has a family. Ouch. There's no way Cage could have adjusted to what must have been a gigantic shock without the calm guiding hand of Piven. Piven feels your pain. There's no two ways about that. He's not going to sugar coat things just to make you feel better though. That's not his style. He simply lays it out for you in black and white all the while managing to keep things hopeful. He's 100% real, yet focuses on the positive. That's about as good as it gets.

Nowadays I mostly catch Piven on the HBO show "Entourage". It's not the same type of reassuring work he's always done, but Pivs is my homey and it's fun to watch him cut loose and just be funny. We all deserve that opportunity and if there's one things JP can do, it's make you laugh.

Listen, we all have a friend in common. Never forget that when you're feeling down. Your next new buddy is the next person you see, because if you casually bring up Jeremy Piven you'll find out that they love him too. And anyone who's friends with Pivs is a friend of mine. Let's hug it out bitch.

Some shows I've seen recently...

I saw Phoenix at the Crocodile on April 18th. I just reread that sentence and even I don't know what it means. Apparently Phoenix used to be the backing band for Air, until they started to put out their own records. They had a sweet album called United in 2000 or 01 which was really eclectic and tuneful. Then they released an album called Alphabetical more recently which in comparison sucks balls. They must have been depressed at the time. I think maybe they were going for a more cohesive sound so that whole record sounds depressing and muted. Part of why I like the first album so much is the variety. Still there are hits on both of those. I think they had a club hit with a song called "If I Ever Feel Better". Michelman calls these guys France's Maroon 5. Ouch. They're slightly better than that but I see where he's coming from. They put on a solid solid show. Sound was great.

Last night I went to check out Sloan also at the Crocodile. The Minus 5 opened and I must say that Peter Buck looks way gay-er than I thought he would in person. I guess if you hang out with Michael Stipe for thirty years it's bound to happen. The Minus 5 had great country-ish songs and a lot of stuff that was just punk sounding. They were also very tight and loud. Sloan came on later and seemed overwhelmed that so many people had turned out to see them, especially with Gang of Four playing at the Showbox on the same night. I must say their set disappointed me. I guess it's hard when your songs involve so many harmonies to get them to sound straight live. They should murder their sound man. Either that or canonize their engineer becuase their voices seemed WEAK live except for the bassist who was all world. All you could here was guitars and their weak voices barely sneaking through. If you didn't know the songs you were fucked. I knew about a third of them so things were okay. Their guitarist with the short spiky hair was on blow. I bet my internet life on it. He came out for the encore rubbing his nose profusely and then challenged the crowd to be more like Vancouver in terms of audience participation. Yeah, let me just go get my mini and my fresh heroin needles. Vancouver is bullshit. There were some really faggot ass Canucks (no Americans act that gay) standing in front of me at the show. They were singing all the songs whilst gazing into each other's eyes all night. Their girlfriends (I don't get it) weren't that into Sloan and didn't understand why their men were being so gay, leading to the girls leaving for the bar in the back and the Canadians to hold each others arms and dance fruity. Then they kissed with tongues...I mean probably later that's what happened.