The Tony Orlando Corrolary

We are in the fucking dog days. We will be here for a long time. What qualifies as dog days to me? The Sonics are out of the playoffs. The only thing sports related to content the masses until late summer is Mariner baseball. Well some call it Mariner baseball, I call it having a blunt object bored slowly into your skull while Dave Arensberg watches merrily from his recliner. Remember when Boone was on steroids and the team was good? Ah, those were the days. There's no team I love rooting against more than the old M's. Make no mistake though, if they ever put together a playoff run I'll be right there on the bandwagon (secretly wishing they fail). Fuck baseball right in the ear.

So back to the title of this post - no it's not my new prog band. It's a theory I'm testing. It involves a simple graph. On the left vertical side of the graph (I'm sure there's a proper name for that but I won't look it up) is a unit of measurement I shall dub "Successtrons". On the bottom of the graph is level of mustache. Level of mustache means no mustache at the far left and full mustache at the far right. My theory is that as one's mustache grows and fills in, they earn corresponding higher and higher levels of Successtrons in their life. If my hypothesis is correct Successtrons should accumulate steadily in relation to your ever thickening Burt Reynolds. More simply, stache's make you healthy, wealthy, and wise - or - The Tony Orlando Corrolary. If you think Tony Orlando would have been successful sans mustache I believe you're greatly mistaken. To prove the theory I have been growing a mustache for two weeks or so. Lamentably, I'm bare in the Hitler zone so I look like a French catfish. Results so far: no measurables. I feel success right around the corner though...so maybe: Optimism +3 (glavin).