Dear Mariners, It's so easy to hate you

The Mariners today reminded me of this great line from The Lonely Island's The Heist.

I just came from Pam's work and she dipped my heart in shit
Yo what, that's Baskin Robbins
Yo yo you know the spot where you order frozen treats and they rip your heart apart

Now the heart getting ripped out part is a little melodramatic, because I don't really care for the Mariners the way I do for the Dawgs, Supes, and Hawks. If you did care about the M's though, your heart is indeed consistently being dipped in shit.

Why do I hate the M's today? Here's the quick rundown: I almost missed work this morning because when my alarm clock went off there was a baseball game on. I of course thought I was dreaming because why would there be a baseball game on at 8 in the morning? I jolt out of bed at 8:25, take a shower, and miraculously make my 8:40 bus. It was an epic getting-ready performance to say the least.

Now I've been listening to the first third of this game while I'm sleeping/getting dressed and it's fairly decent. I was just thinking yesterday that I haven't even seen an M's game this year on tv. I'm usually good for about five of those per season especially early on. The decision is made to follow this one via espn's gamecast. I hadn't used the baseball gamecast before. Verdict? It's actually awesome. Highly recommended.

The game continues to be an entertaining back and forth affair. The Mariners scratch out a run in the top of the ninth to take a one run lead. Eddie Guardado is going up against Wily Mo Pena, some douche, and Youklis in the bottom of the ninth. Guardado k's Wily Mo. He k's the next dude. He gets two strikes (both looking) on the greek god of walks - Youklis. Incidentally, I think you can get a rep as a Moneyball guy by simply not swinging the bat.

Then Youklis beats out an INFIELD SINGLE to get on first. Mark Loretta steps up and sends one over the Monster. Ballgame. I was thinking during this at bat that the Mariners are almost intriguing this year. I was ready to give props and put out the "potential sleeper" APB. Loretta's dong snapped me right back to reality.

These are the Mariners. The Mariners suck.

This game was in the bag and they blew it. I can't see the wisdom in allowing Eddie Guardado to close games when his fastball is 86 miles per hour. Stick a fork in him. I don't care if Soriano is young and inexperienced. He has stuff and should be closing. Beltre is already hitting in the seven spot this season.

In baseball only a handful of teams can afford to win anything. The Mariners are one of them and they still suck. I think Pat Gillick knew we were about to be awful when he skipped town like the monorail salesman from the Simpsons, off to find knew ways to employ Pat Borders. Bavasi comes off as anxious to spend the money he's alloted. How do you explain the deal for Washburn? Beltre is threatening to make Jeff Cirillo look productive. If I cared about this team I would be insane.

I just need to take a breath and realize that the M's suck. They just suck.

Links:
Unbelievable Chris Berman story.

I love Ray Allen.

The New York Post has a huge scoop!

Note: I love Alvin Davis and the use of his image is meant to be a stark contrast between his holiness and the shitty Mariners of today.