Know Your Enemy: Minnesota Timberwolves

42 Vin Baker F
30 Mark Blount C
31 Ricky Davis G
4 Randy Foye G
21 Kevin Garnett F
41 Eddie Griffin F
23 Trenton Hassell G
16 Troy Hudson G
13 Mike James G
55 Marko Jaric G
35 Mark Madsen C-F
1 Rashad McCants G
9 Justin Reed F
5 Craig Smith F
6 Bracey Wright G

Coach:
Dwayne Casey

Starters:
Mike James PG
Ricky Davis SG
KG SF
Griffin PF
Blount C

Bench:
McCants G
Foye G
Hudson G
Jaric G
Madsen F-C

I just wasted a lot of time trying to figure out this team's optimum rotation. Where are the fucking forwards? Where are they? Who is Justin Reed? Vin Baker? What is happening here? I've decided as a feature of this blog's blockbuster "Know Your Enemy" series there will be one Steve Kelley memorial one-sentence paragraph per entry. Here's the Timberwolves':

Kevin McHale is such a horrible gm that if he were black, the Sports Guy would murder him as much as he does Isiah Thomas.

There. That was fun. Anyhow, Kevin Garnett alone makes this roster competitive. His career has been totally wasted in Minnesota, especially over the recent years. You just get done with team cancers Sam Cassell and Latrell Sprewell, and you acquire Ricky Davis and Mike James? Shit, you invite Vin Baker to training camp and allow him to stay on your roster?

If I were a fan of this team I would spend a lot of my time beating my head against a wall. It's not like the Sonics are the greatest team in the world (yet), but at least there's a concept. Much as with the Nuggets, I have no idea what's happening here. What do the Timberwolves do? This team only won 33 games last year because they make no sense.

Salary-wise Minnesota is using an unprecendented tactic of one max deal, six mid-level exceptions, and six veteran minimums. They are only paying for one good player, and that's why they only have one good player. Look at this breakdown and make sense of it. I dare you.

On the court:
Mike James was acquired for some reason. I don't really get why. He's a shoot first player who has admitted that if it weren't for basketball he would be a criminal. In case you think I'm paraphrasing here is the quote:

If I wasn't playing basketball, I'd be a criminal. That's the only other thing I knew besides basketball. That's the only other thing that came natural to me besides basketball.

That's sure to play well in Edina. James is a streaky scorer who can light it up at times, but he needs too many shots to feel good about himself. The reason highly touted rookie Randy Foye won't see enough minutes right away lies with Mr. James and their two guard......Ricky Davis!!

I can't actually remember what Ricky Davis did to become so hated. He's a rich man's Flip Murray. Of possibly the entire division, Ricky Davis is capable of the sauciest plays. Most fun player to watch on this team. He also bears a resemblance to Andre 3000.

Kevin Garnett we all know about. He probably spends too much time trying to be a perimeter player, but who can blame him? If they surrounded him with some fucking talent maybe he would have some incentive to bang down low where he is unstoppable with his height/athleticism combo.

Eddie Griffin got arrested for driving drunk and crashing his car. It's happened to plenty of players in this league, but what sets Mr. Griffin apart is that he was distracted by masturbating to pornos on his in-car tvs while driving drunk. Props to him for the twist.

Mark Blount shoots jump shots despite being a seven-footer. He pouts when his shot isn't falling and is always a threat to turn into a complete non-factor defensively. When interested he'll block a couple of shots, but that's like saying Mel Gibson is tolerant towards Jews when sober (read: not often).

This team is going to win around 35 games this year. They offended the karma gods by cutting Paul Shirley for Mark Madsen. Paul Shirley said on a recent espn.com chat that the sole reason Mark Madsen is in the league is because his championship experience somehow netted him a contract of which he has ten million dollars guaranteed still. The roster is a total outrage. This team literally made me mad to write about. Fuck you Minnesota.

UPDATE: Read that whole Mike James interview!!! It features the closing line of his desired epitaph:

"Here lies Mike James. It doesn't matter if you loved me or hated me. I was Mike James."