Ou est La Beouf?

ITEM: I have it on a very reliable source that a senior espn.com employee is among the many dissatisfied with the early regular season Fantasy Football service.

I agree that yahoo is more reliable than espn. You'd think that would be enough to use yahoo exclusively. Right? Wrong. I'm talking about upside bitch. Espn's fantasy football, when it is functioning (95% of the time), is a better product than yahoo's. Simple as that. I can customize the league settings way more on espn, there are better articles written by bigger fantasy nerds, and finally - Smack Boards. To quote Ari Gold: "Boom."

Speaking of Pivs my top five movie actor list is currently:
Nicholas Cage
Matt Damon
Jeremy Piven
empty
empty

Until now that is. I would like to officially add Shia LaBeouf to that list. This is based on the strength of performances in the films "Battle of Shaker Heights" and the criminally slept on "I, Robot". Shaker Heights was a Project Greenlight movie on HBO a couple of years ago so there was a lot of reality footage which he spent cursing and talking like a black dude. Check and check. In that movie he totally necked Amy Smart. In Robot he offers the new phrase "Ass high spankable man". I like that. He has a great action movie line in Robot too:
NS5 Robot (in robot voice): You have been deemed hazardous. Do you comply?
Shia: You can kiss my ass metal dick!
Welcome Shia.

Makaela doesn't like how Tina Fey is always talking about her vagina using words like "noony" or "cooter" or "lady business". I think it's funny.

Watching ESPN's most recent Sunday Night Football was pretty infuriating. You know the drill how in every game they pick one player and gush about him all night long. Last Sunday's guy was Eli Manning. Newsflash: HE SUCKS. Every play he made was followed with a "You talk about a guy who can make the forward pass" or "Look at this! Look at this! Right here! Boom! What a handoff.". There was one play where Eli threw behind a wide open Plaxico Burress about 25 yards downfield over the middle, and Joe Theisman had the nerve to say that Plaxico needed to sit down and make a play for his QB. Here's an idea: How about Eli makes a throw for his receiver?? The ball was behind him plain and simple.

Side note: The moment I realized I hated Joe Theisman was during the Joe Horn Cellphone TD Celebration. Joe Theisman went on this rant about how the league should fine Horn one hundred thousand dollars ($100,000!) and suspend him for 2 games. SHUT THE FUCK UP JOE THEISMAN!! They should allow me in the booth to just slap some of these high and mighty crackers one of these days. I mean, they fine Broncos linemen $20,000 for ending players careers. Ending. Players. Careers. But yeah, that cellphone call really shook society to its core. Methinks Joe fears a race riot. Keep those players in line! Exact same sentiments out to Joe Buck also for his ridiculous reaction to the Randy Moss mooning incident.

Back to the game, the ESPN announcers didn't seem to notice that San Diego squatted and took a moist hairy doogen on the Jints. Keenan McCardell had his second 2 TD game this year and they've only played three fucking weeks! Not a single mention. It would have cut into Eli's highlight time.

If you missed the Bob Dylan documentary directed by Scorsese you really missed out. I think they're showing it again on Saturday night at 10pm. Check your local PBS listings bitches!